NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm
summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead
of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I
was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old
shout from the
back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"
-----
HONESTY
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom
to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet.
So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage.
Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to
my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held
it up and said with a charming little smile, "We
better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in
the toilet a few days ago.
-----
OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his
teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The
opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily
those of his parents."
-----
KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out
of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so
she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.
"It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her
mother.. Then
she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to
you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
-----
MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in
the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room
burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and
running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement
and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever
seen a little boy before?"
-----
POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an
elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl
about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform,
she asked, "Are you a cop?" Yes," I answered and
continued writing the report. "My mother said if I
ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that
right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then,"
she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would
you please tie my shoe?"
-----
POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van
in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment,
my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little
boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back
there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled,
the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the
van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"
-----
ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers
lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my
4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was
unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old
age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.
One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth
soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the
inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and
whispered,"The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
-----
DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a
party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she
warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And
why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you
a headache the
next morning."
-----
DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his
church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer
that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his
5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead
robin. Feeling that proper
burial should be performed, they had secured a small
box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready
for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son
was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with
sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he
thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the
Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn .....and into the hole
he gooooes."
-----
SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of
school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her
mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't
let me talk!"
-----
BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was
fascinated as he fingered through the old pages.
Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked
up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old
leaf that had been
pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I
found", the boy called out." What have you got there,
dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he
answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!
--
Thursday, August 24, 2006
The Teeth are so important in old age --- Mcdonald's story
A McDonald's love story...
A little old couple walked slowly into a McDonald's one cold winter
evening.
They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating
there that night.
Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the
admirers were thinking:
"Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for
60 years or more!"
The little old man walked up to the cash register, placed his order with no
hesitation and then paid for their meal.
The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of
the tray.
There was one hamburger, one order of french fries and one drink.
The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in
half.
He placed one half in front of his wife.
Then he carefully counted out the french fries, divided them in two piles
and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, and then his wife took a sip as the man began
to eat his few bites.
Again, you could tell what people around the old couple were saying. -
"They were used to sharing everything."
Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady still hadn't eaten a thing.
She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally sipped some of
the drink.
A young man came over and begged them to let him buy them another meal.
The lady explained that no, they were used to sharing.
As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a
napkin, the young man could stand it no longer and asked again.
After being politely refused again, he finally asked the little old lady,
"Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything.
What is it that you are waiting for?"
She answered,
"THE TEETH"
A little old couple walked slowly into a McDonald's one cold winter
evening.
They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating
there that night.
Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the
admirers were thinking:
"Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for
60 years or more!"
The little old man walked up to the cash register, placed his order with no
hesitation and then paid for their meal.
The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of
the tray.
There was one hamburger, one order of french fries and one drink.
The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in
half.
He placed one half in front of his wife.
Then he carefully counted out the french fries, divided them in two piles
and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, and then his wife took a sip as the man began
to eat his few bites.
Again, you could tell what people around the old couple were saying. -
"They were used to sharing everything."
Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady still hadn't eaten a thing.
She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally sipped some of
the drink.
A young man came over and begged them to let him buy them another meal.
The lady explained that no, they were used to sharing.
As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a
napkin, the young man could stand it no longer and asked again.
After being politely refused again, he finally asked the little old lady,
"Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything.
What is it that you are waiting for?"
She answered,
"THE TEETH"
Mcdonald's in florida---job application
This is an actual job application that a 17 year old boy submitted to
McDonald's in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and
funny!
NAME: Greg Bulmash.
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously,
whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be
applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz
style
severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can
haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and
post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more
intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING
UP
TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be
"Do
you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a
winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with
a
fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the
greatest
thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries
McDonald's in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and
funny!
NAME: Greg Bulmash.
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously,
whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be
applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz
style
severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can
haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and
post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more
intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING
UP
TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be
"Do
you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a
winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with
a
fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the
greatest
thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries
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