GEORGE BUSH JOKES

Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?" Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?" Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity. Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he says. "Welcome to heaven!" The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials. Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?" Saint Peter says, "Go ahead." Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk. Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!" he says. "Come on in!" Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?" George W. looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?" Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George."

A few more of aviation jokes

How was that?:A couple of TAC pilots were flying F-102's in escort with a B-36 bomber and were chinning with the pilot of the bomber to pass the time. Talk fell to the subject of the relative merits of their respective aircraft with the fighter pilots holding that their planes made for more interesting flying because of their manueverability, acceleration and the like. The B-36 pilot replied "Yeh? Well this old girl can do a few tricks you guys can't even touch." Naturally, he was challenged to demonstrate. "Watch," he tells them. After several minutes the bomber pilot returns to the air and says, "There! How was that?" Not having seen anything, the fighter pilots say, "What are you talking about?" Reply, "Well, I went for a little stroll, got a cup of coffee and went downstairs for a chat with the navigator."


"Beam me up Scottie."
:The loadmaster on a USAF C-130 was invited to take the engineer's seat for awhile. He started jabbering away, not realizing that he was trans- mitting on Uniform instead of over the ICS: LM: "Hey, this is great! I see why you engineers like this seat so much -- you can see everything from here! This is just like the starship Enterprise! All ahead, Mr. Sulu, warp factor ten!" Followed shortly afterward by: ATC: "You wanna get back on intercom, Captain Kirk? You're transmitting on my frequency!"

General Aviation Humour
Several planes were running up and waiting to take off, many Cessnas including a 337. With all the students and several similar call signs, the controllers were getting a tad confused. The controller finally asked: "Cessna 123YZ, are you the Skymaster?"A slightly confused voice with an indeterminate accent replied, after a moment: "Well, my instructor says that I am very good, but I do not think that I would yet be considered the 'Skymaster'. Submitted by 'Mr Merlin', Sydney, Australia.

ATC Humour
Sometimes ATC can be a little too rapid in their rate of speech...
DCA clearance delivery responded to a request for an IFR clearance with a rapid-fire clearance that went on and on, with various VORs, fixes, altitudes, etc. After a pause, a voice came back, in a slow Texas drawl,OK, now why don't you'all say that again, real slow, as if it mattered.
A pilot was attempting to deal with New York, and the controller shot everything out a mile a minute. The pilot came back with "New York, you hear how fast I'm a-talkin'? Well, that's how fast I'm a-listnin'".
Another pilot obtaining a clearance from the Trenton controller who shot back "Trenton, you can repeat that, oh, about ten times. Or you can say it again once... slowly." Submitted by 'Mr Merlin', Sydney, Australia.

ATC: "Alpha Bravo Charlie... Say altitude."Pilot (feeling frisky): "Altitude."ATC: "Say ALTITUDE!"Pilot: "ALTITUDE!"ATC: "Say 'Canceling IFR'."Pilot: "Level 8000"
Pilot to Tower: "Can you give me a rough time-check?"Tower: "It´s Tuesday, Sir"
ATC: "DAA - What are your intentions? "Cessna: "To get my Commercial Pilot Licence and Instrument Rating." ATC: "I meant in the next five minutes, not years."

The 10 most common aviation lies.

1. I have no interest in flying for the airlines

2. All that turbulence spoiled my landing

3. I broke out right at minimums.

4. We shipped the part yesterday

5. It just came out of annual -- how could anything be wrong

6. I've got the traffic in sight

7. Of course I know where we are

8. If we get a little lower I'm sure we'll break through

9. I fixed it right the first time, it must have failed for other reasons

10. The other instructor told me to do it like that

How do you know if a pilot is at your party? He'll tell you.
Cabin announcement. "Folks, we have someone celebrating his 65th birthday today by taking his first flight." {round of applause follows} "So on your way off the plane, be sure & stop by the cockpit and wish Capt. Jones a Happy Birthday."

Tower: "Alpha Charlie, climb to 4000 ft for noise abatement" Pilot: "How can I possibly be creating excess noise at 2000 ft?" Tower: "At 4000 ft you will miss the twin coming at you at 2000 ft, and that is bound to avoid one hell of a racket".

The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 to make a three sixty (a complete circle, usually to provide spacing between aircraft). The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a one-eighty in this aeroplane?" Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth!"

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7." Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure... by the way, as we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway." Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7; did you copy the report from Eastern?"Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."

The German air traffic controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange Between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747 (call sign "Speedbird 206") after landing: Speedbird 206: "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active runway."Ground: "Guten morgen! You vill taxi to your gate!"The British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and stopped.Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know vare you are going?"Speedbird 206: "Stand by, ground, I'm looking up the gate location now."Ground (with impatience): "Speedbird 206, haff you never flown to Frankfurt before?"Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, in 1944. But I didn't stop."

A few aviation jokes for the new fliers

Airline Humour
Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped,turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the F/A, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."
Heard during a passenger briefing prior to departure..."There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this aeroplane..."
And, after landing..."Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
Transmission as a DC-10 rolls out long after a fast landing... San Jose Tower: American 751 heavy, turn right at the end if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off of Highway 101 back to the airport.





Military Humour"In a hurry are we, sir?":Two members of the Lothian and Borders traffic police were out on the Berwickshire moors with a radar gun recently, happily engaged in apprehending speeding motorists, when their equipment suddenly locked-up completely with an unexpected reading of well over 300 mph. The mystery was explained seconds later as a low flying Harrier hurtled over their heads. The 'boys in blue,' upset at the damage to their radar gun, put in a complaint to the RAF, but were somewhat chastened when the RAF pointed out that the damage might well have been more severe. The Harrier's target acquisition computer had locked on to the 'enemy' radar and triggered an automatic retaliatory air-to-surface missile attack. Luckily(?), the Harrier was operating unarmed. Submitted by 'Mr Merlin', Sydney, Australia.